Receiving Feedback

Some people experience feedback as pure criticism and don't want to hear it. Others see it as spiritually crushing; a confirmation of their worthlessness. Still others only want to hear praise, but nothing that might suggest imperfection.

That's not the case for everyone, of course. Some people are willing to accept feedback and seek it out, even if it is sometimes disturbing, because they believe they can grow from it.

It comes down to whether you believe feedback will harm you or benefit you. This is not to say that we should always have to accept feedback or the manner in which it is sometimes given. We all have the right to refuse feedback, and we can expect feedback to be given in a respectful and supportive manner.

But for every positive and open way of accepting feedback, there's an opposite; a negative and closed manner which pushes feedback away and keeps it at bay.

Positive/Open Style

	Open: listens without frequent interruption or objections.
	Responsive: willing to hear what's being said without turning the table.
	Accepting: accepts the feedback, without denial.
	Respectful: recognizes the value of what is being said and the speaker's right to say it.
	Engaged: interacts appropriately with the speaker, asking for clarification when needed.
	Active listening: listens carefully and tries to understand the meaning of the feedback.
	Thoughtful: tries to understand the personal behavior that has led to the feedback.
	Interested: is genuinely interested in getting feedback.
	Sincere: genuinely wants to make personal changes if appropriate.

	Defensive: defends personal actions, frequently objects to feedback given.
	Attacking: verbally attacks the feedback giver, and turns the table.
	Denies: refutes the accuracy or fairness of the feedback.
	Disrespectful: devalues the speaker, what the speaker is saying, or the speaker's right to give feedback.
	Closed: ignores the feedback, listening blankly without interest.
	Inactive listening: makes no attempt to "hear" or understand the meaning of the feedback.
	Rationalizing: finds explanations for the feedback that dissolve any personal responsibility.
	Patronizing: listens, but shows little interest.
	Superficial: listens and agrees, but gives the impression that the feedback will have little actual effect.

The other end of feedback is giving it. Some people deliver feedback with relish; after all, it's easier to give advice than take it. Some use feedback as a weapon, or offer it as tit-for-tat. For others, feedback is a great way to be critical.

How you deliver feedback is as important as how you accept it, because it can be experienced in a very negative way. To be effective you must be tuned in, sensitive, and honest when giving feedback. Just as there are positive and negative approaches to accepting feedback, so too are there ineffective and effective ways to give it.

	Supportive: delivered in a non-threatening and encouraging manner.
	Direct: the focus of the feedback is clearly stated.
	Sensitive: delivered with sensitivity to the needs of the other person.
	Considerate: feedback is intended to not insult or demean.
	Descriptive: focuses on behavior that can be changed, rather than personality.
	Specific: feedback is focused on specific behaviors or events.
	Healthy timing: given as close to the prompting event as possible and at an opportune time.
	Thoughtful: well considered rather than impulsive.
	Helpful: feedback is intended to be of value to the other person.

	Attacking: hard hitting and aggressive, focusing on the weaknesses of the other person.
	Indirect: feedback is vague and issues hinted at rather than addressed directly.
	Insensitive: little concern for the needs of the other person.
	Disrespectful: feedback is demeaning, bordering on insulting.
	Judgmental: feedback is evaluative, judging personality rather than behavior.
	General: aimed at broad issues which cannot be easily defined.
	Poor timing: given long after the prompting event, or at the worst possible time.
	Impulsive: given thoughtlessly, with little regard for the consequences.
	Selfish: feedback meets the giver's needs, rather than the needs of the other person.

Feedback is a must for people who want to have honest relationships. A powerful and important means for communication, feedback connects us, and our behavior, to the world around us.

Egan, G. (1977). You and Me: The Skills of Communing and Relating to Others. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Publishing

Hathaway, P. (1998.) Giving and Receiving Feedback: Building Constructive Communication. Menlo Park, CA: Crisp Publications.